Canon Defilement
by Fellblood Morgan
Summary: Destroying DC Comics' fanfiction clichés for fun and non-profit!


**CANON DEFILEMENT: THE FANFICTION**

Chapter 1: In Which Dick Grayson is Gay for Some Reason

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"Oh, what a wonderful day this is! I love being back in Gotham City after being away for so long" exclaimed Dick Grayson, also known as Robin, Nightwing, and (for a brief time) Batman, and who would also soon be known as roadkill if he didn't stop to notice the truck racing down the street at 80 miles per hour, as he stopped to look at some flowers, speaking to no one in particular. Of course, his excellent detective skills, which he had learned from the Dark Knight over the last ten years, did not come into use in this case, as he once again expressed a reckless disregard for his own life. This time, however, he was not trying to save anyone else. He was just being strangely thoughtless, as if he was making a monumental decision that would define the rest of his life, however short it may be.

Suddenly, a portal opened up out of nowhere, and out emerged Morgan Sparkle Smith, also known as Princess Mary Sue of the Fairy Kingdom. Her radiant orange hair, the color of a sunset on a beautiful summer's night, flowed in the wind as she floated down to the ground. She ran at nearly the speed of sound to rescue Dick despite not knowing him, and pushed him out of the way at the last second.

And then, just as suddenly as the portal had opened, the truck swerved and collided with poor Morgan, leaving her as a gory mess on the ground. Her skin, bones, and blood faded away, leaving only a glowing orb and a large diamond, which shone like the light of a thousand suns. Dick picked up the orb and the diamond and said, "Holy enchilada! I have to give these to Wally! Maybe he can find a better use for them! Or maybe I can become gay and propose marriage to him! Wait, is it legal for gay people to marry where he lives? What state does he live in, anyway? And who am I talking to? I really need to stop talking to no one. It can't be good for my mental health."

Meanwhile, over a thousand miles away, Wally West, who remained heterosexual to the bone, ate hundreds of sandwiches. And then he saved the world from an evil clone of the Weather Wizard's uncle's former roommate's brother. Wally really wished for the entire Spaceballs reference to be possible there and for it to be in the right order. Maybe that would have made the fight worth it. He settled for eating another hundred sandwiches.

Back in Gotham City, the Huntress had chased a mysterious assassin into the basement of an empty building. The man was quick, but Huntress was quicker. Her kicks and punches matched his stabs and slashes, and neither could gain the upper hand. The assassin, despite not knowing what would happen, cut a hole in the floor and jumped through it.

As it turned out, he had made the wrong decision. Not more than five seconds later, he was unconscious and losing blood, having been impaled through the neck by a hunting knife. This, of course, raised the quite obvious question of why there was a sub-basement that no one knew about in this abandoned building. Huntress had her suspicions when she saw a shadow approaching from behind her, but she would be proven wrong very quickly. A voice echoed throughout the room.

"**Children of the night! I can smell your sins upon you! Children need punishment…"**

Huntress quickly turned around and grabbed her weapon, ready to fire at a moment's notice. She spoke to the shadowy figure.

"I'm afraid there are no children here. There are only you, me, and this crossbow. Now, tell me who you are or I'll have to use it."

"**I'm Batman!"**

Huntress would have responded, but the young man's claim was about to be refuted. Another man, the infamous gangster Matches Malone, stepped out from behind her, knowing there was no chance the shadowy man could actually be the Batman. A satisfying dialogue ensued.

"Wrong. You're Clyde Harris, a psychotic who should have never been released from the hospital."

"**You're that Malone guy, right? You should be helping me! What you're saying is all lies! How could you know that anyway?"**

"First, you just said _know_ instead of _think_, so you only just confirmed it to my friend here. Second, you cannot possibly be Batman."

"**Why are you saying that? I am Batman! I AM BATMAN!"**

"I know you are not Batman… BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!"

Huntress felt the need to interject, "Hey, Matches… or should I say Batman… you two might want to yell a bit louder. I don't think they can hear you all the way from Arkham."

"Matches" then dramatically ripped open his shirt, revealing the bat emblem on the shirt underneath it. The two vigilantes dramatically stood with their backs to each other.

Clyde Harris, stunned at what he was seeing, fainted.

It was only then that Batman realized he had forgotten to wear his Bat-pants that day.

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Hello everyone, and thank you for reading the first chapter of this fanfiction. If you liked it, be sure to favorite, follow, and review! Also, keep in mind that, as you probably figured out, this is a parody. Characters are not meant to stick to their canon portrayals at all. In addition, since I didn't say this at the top of the page, I'll get it out of the way here. **I do not own DC Comics, or any of the characters appearing in this chapter, with the regrettable exception of Morgan Sparkle Smith. In addition, that is a very long first sentence, half the quotes are ripped straight from Detective Comics, Ambush Bug is extremely handsome, and… wait a minute…**

**WHO LET THAT IDIOT NEAR THE TELEPROMPTER AGAIN? AND WHY AM I EVEN USING A TELEPROMPTER?**


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